whatthefuckiswrongwithyoupeople?

Not that I carry grudges or hold resentment beyond reasonable time frames or anything, but I do remember one day a few years ago when I was wrongly accused of misojapeny by Derrick The Turd. This, despite a longstanding meme of Japan-bashing on the same site, all posted by well regarded, quite nice, and politically correct members.

I will let it go now.

Also, all of this could have been avoided by a “don’t eat balls” policy, a lifestyle choice I have found to be quite useful and easy to follow.

My regimen also includes a “don’t eat penis” clause. Beef tongue devotees often try to sway me to their side, thus far, I have resisted.

Also: no head cheese.

And please don’t bring up the coffee beans that are shat by cats.

One way or another, here is the scenario:

WAITER: GENTLEMEN! SO NICE TO SEE YOU! MAY I INTEREST YOU IN A APPETIZER?

BUSINESSMAN #1: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES THE TESTICLES OF A FISH?

BUSINESSMAN#2: YES! ESPECIALLY A FISH WITH FLESH KNOWN TO BE HIGHLY TOXIC?

BUSINESSMAN #3: OH! AND SOMETHING THAT WILL BE VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE?

WAITER: YES! I HAVE JUST THE THING! WAIT ONE MINUTE WHILE I SEVER THE HIGHLY TOXIC SCROTUM. YOUR HOPEFULLY LESS-TOXIC BALLS SHOULD BE READY QUITE SOON!

BUSINESSMAN #1: HOT DAMN, I LOVE ME SOME NEARLY TOXIC, QUESTIONABLY PREPARED FISH GONADS!

BUSINESSMAN #2: WELL, FELLAS, AS A BIT OF A FISHERMAN MYSELF, I’VE NEVER REALLY SEEN A FISH WITH VISIBLE TESTICLES, I WONDER IF THIS COULD BE SOME KIND OF JOKE…

BUSINESSMAN #4: WELL THERE YOU GO AGAIN, FRED, TRYING TO RAIN ON OUR PARADE WHEN WE’RE ALL ABOUT TO PAY TOP DOLLAR TO EAT SMALL PORTIONS OF POSSIBLY POISONOUS FISH TESTICLES. NO PAIN, NO GAIN! SLIP ME SOME GONADS, GARCON!

********** ENSUES